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Everything's Better than Ezra transcript
(Amber, Martha and Autumn are relaxing on the former's porch.) Autumn: Pssh, family day, what a croc. Martha: Just a glorified regular day of the week, and it's not even federal. Autumn: I've seen Jewish holidays that are more inclusive. Amber: Yeah, yeah, oh, my niece gave me a new pair of glasses. Martha: Do you have a card? (it cuts to Amber, in the morning. Her alarm clock rings.) Amber: (Yorba and Nixon walk past her.) Yorba: Hi mom, bye mom. Amber: Hold it you two! I don't know if you noticed but nothing works in this house anymore. Nixon: We could tell. You should get a job, that way we don't have to be concerned with squandering. Amber: Any suggestions? Yorba: Well there's an opening at Belbury High- Nixon: SHHH! Amber: No, I don't think I'm cut out for that. Nixon: Good, it's really lame there and you'd be stressed all the time. Anyway, bye now. (Yorba and Nixon leave. Amber grabs a newspaper.) Amber: Let's see, fry cook, telemarketer, QA at Franchise Pictures, surprised Battlefield Earth didn't kill those cretins. Nothing seems good, and there's no telling how hard it'll be to get that principal job. Unless... (Amber runs next door.) Man: Hey get off my phone! (it goes to Cosmo, his phone's ringing.) Cosmo: Hello? Amber: GET ME A JOB AT BELBURY HIGH! (it goes to Belbury High. Mercury, Britney, Anita, Denise, Nicole and Artemis are in the hall.) Britney: I could buy him breaking up with you, but in two days? Denise: I take it he didn't like how I wore jogging clothes in a posh restaurant. Anita: How could anyone resist shorts and a tank top? Denise: It was a sweat-jacket and sweatpants. Nicole: Color coordinated? Denise: All gray. Artemis: Who in their right mind would dump someone over their fashion sense? I'll bet that he'd dump me if I wore tight clothes. Denise: It's his loss... Artemis: Hm? Denise: Uh... sorry... gotta go to class. Britney: We're in the same class! Denise: I know. Anita: Now about last night. Mercury: Don't bring him up. Britney: Look Merc, I won't say it was alright, but it doesn't- Mercury: Shut up. Nixon: Hey guys, what's going on? Anita: We're talking about Ezra. Yorba: Light blue tank top? Blue hair up top? Mercury: Yeah, has a real awful fashion sense. Britney: Didn't you teach him that? Mercury: You know what never mind! (Mercury runs off. The bell rings.) Anita: Time sure flies when we talk about personal issues. Britney: Let's jet. (The teens move.) Amber: Yorba! Nixon! Over here! (Yorba and Nixon stop.) Nixon: Mom? Amber: Guess who just got an amazing new job? Yorba: Why? Why us? Amber: Oh relax, I won't give you two any special treatment. Now where do I set up? Yorba: Top floor, furthest back. Amber: Alrighty. You two be good now. (Amber leaves) Nixon: Let's assess this. Yorba: Okay. Nixon: Both of our parents now work here, and... Huh, guess that's it. Yorba: Wonder how mom will react to that. (Amber is seen in her office sitting at her desk, she's looking through a file.) Amber: Let's see who I'll be managing. Hobson, Wright, Anderson, wait, Frost? What's going on here? (Amber activates the intercom.) Amber: Will Frost please come up to my office? (Edgar enters the office.) Edgar: Ambie? Amber: Don't call me that. Edgar: What're you doing here? Amber: I need to catch up on my payments, and this seemed like the most sensible option. Edgar: I suppose you're right. Amber: Of course. Now get out of here, you're fired. Edgar: What!? You can't fire me! Amber: I can and I will! Edgar: No I mean you can't fire me, I haven't committed an offense that warrants it, and if you fire me without a credible reason you'll be fired yourself, and I highly doubt you'll find a better job. Amber: I'm so happy I divorced you, you have no idea. Edgar: Right. Can I go now? I have work to do. Amber: Sure why not? (Edgar leaves.) Amber: Lost my cable, lost my electricity, lost a chance at getting a job that doesn't involve someone I don't want to see beyond special occasions. This isn't going to be a good day. (it goes to a classroom. Mercury and her sisters and friends are present.) Melissa: Where the heck is Mr. Frost? He's normally five minutes early. Malcolm: I don't mind, it's my turn to help him alphabetize his film reels. Eugh. Mercury: Sorry uh, about my behavior. Anita: Don't worry, we would've done the same thing. Mercury: You would have? Anita: Wow, and I thought I was stupid. (Edgar enters the room.) Edgar: Sorry I'm late class, had a run in with our new principal. Today we're going to continue our discussion on horror anthologies. (The class cheers.) Mercury: Cool! Edgar: Moving on to the early-70s adaptation of Tales from the Crypt. (The class cheers.) Mercury: Cool! Edgar: Oh, we also have a new student joining us. (The class cheers.) Mercury: Cool! Edgar: Give a warm welcome to Ezra Slaatsky. (The class cheers.) Mercury: Not cool! (Ezra enters the room.) Edgar: So Ezra, is there anything you'd like to tell the class? Ezra: Well, I'm here, whether anyone likes it or not. Mercury: Boo! Edgar: Mercury, don't heckle the new student! Mercury: Sorry. Edgar: Where're you from? Ezra: I came in from Portland. Edgar: Ah, I came from there too, nice to have more people from the north east. Ezra: Portland Oregon. Edgar: Oh, condolences. You could take that empty chair by Mercury. (Ezra goes over to Mercury. She grabs the empty desk and throws it aside.) Ezra: I can take a hint. Yorba: Forget about them Ezra, you could sit by me and Nixon. Ezra: I'll bet the exact moment I sit down it'll be followed by me immediately getting back up. Nixon: To be fair, you aren't wrong about that. Yorba: Oh shut up! But trust me the seat's fine. Ezra: My butt will be the judge of that. (Ezra sits.) Yorba: I'm Yorba. Ezra: Hey Yorba, where's Linda? Nixon: Wow, somebody else who gets the reference. Name's Nixon. Yorba: Now fill us in, why does Mercury hate you so much? Ezra: Well, if you must know I- Edgar: Quiet! The film's about to start! Ezra: Will tell you later... Mercury: My brother returns, he's living in my house, he's in my school, he's in my class, this isn't a good day. (break) (at lunch. The teens are sitting together.) Nixon: Spill it, why does Mercury hate you so much? Ezra: Me and Merk used to pull pranks on one another. Nixon: Hey, I can sympathize. Yorba: Please what we have is solely one-sided. Ezra: Anyway, I did this prank where I took my mother's, ahem, b c pills and switched them with mints. Nixon: Twisted. Yorba: Neat. Ezra: Anyway, it was at this point we had all of the members in our part of the clan, and she wanted no more. After finding out I did it, she and my dad decided to teach me a lesson. Yorba: Belt? Ezra: I wish. No, instead mom claimed she was pregnant and wanted to make me take custody of the child, so they set up a phony wedding between me and this girl I hated. Nixon: Holy moly- Did Kerry suggest this!? Kerry: I'll have you know that I wanted him to go with Hanneke to the clinic, a gag of course. (the teens stare at him.) Kerry: Mr. Frost has my pen. (Kerry runs off.) Yorba: So how'd you take that? Ezra: Basically I lost it. I threw a chair at the girl then I began strangling my dad, afterwards I tried to run him over with our tractor. Nixon: So Mercury saw you and thought, oh my god my brother's a psycho. Ezra: Pretty much. I was so mad about what they did that I couldn't even suck it up and apologize. We both argued, I left to go live with my aunt in Portland and Merk pretty much held a grudge against me ever since. Yorba: Okay, so you overreacted and didn't clear it up for Mercury. Just apologize and be done with it. Ezra: Listen. Hey Mercury I realized I overreacted and I apologize for causing any harm to you and the rest of the family! Mercury: I don't care! Ezra: See she doesn't care. Yorba: So why come back here? Why bother trying to fix something that's beyond repair? (Artemis walks past them. She slips on a puddle and Ezra gets up and catches her and her lunch.) Artemis: Wow, great reflexes. Thanks. Ezra: No problem. Artemis: ...Uh, can you let me go now? Ezra: Oh, yeah, sure. (Artemis gets up and walks away. Ezra faces Artemis, Yorba and Nixon) Ezra: What? Yorba: Dude, your body... (Ezra looks down and notices his upper body is facing backwards to his lower half.) Ezra: I'm multi-jointed... Nixon: I find that hard to believe. (Ezra reorients himself and picks up a sandwich from his tray. He sees a worm crawling out of it.) Ezra: Jeez! (Ezra throws the sandwich and it hits Bambi.) Yorba/Nixon: Run. (Ezra gets up and runs. Bambi turns toward him.) Bambi: Ezra? (Ezra goes to his locker. He senses Bambi as she's about to punch him. He moves out of the way and she hits his locker.) Bambi: Bet you think you're pretty funny, don't you newbie? Artemis: Bambi, it was an accident! Bambi: That was an instigation. Ezra: I don't want to fight you... uh... Bambi: Bambi. Ezra: Right. Bambi: I wouldn't want to fight me either. (Bambi flexes and her definition becomes clearer.) Ezra: Seriously I don't want to fight you. Bambi: If I had a nickel. Russel: Go Bambi! Kick the loser's butt! (Artemis punches Russel in the arm) Russel: Ouch, is that a bruise? I guess not, ouch though. (Bambi throws some punches but Ezra dodges them. Bambi throws a hook punch but Ezra bends all the way back, dodging it. Bambi rams into Ezra, but winds up hitting the locker, falling back with a broken nose.) Russel: Geez uh... Ezra: Ezra. Russel: Nice to meet you, I'm Russel, you're a real freak. Mercury: Aint that the truth. Russel: Hey, don't throw your siblings under the bus because of your own insecurities. (Ezra goes over to Bambi.) Bambi: That was real cute I'll give you that, but now it's time you face the consequences. Ezra: Please, I made it this far, what more can you do- Amber: COME WITH ME! (Amber grabs Ezra by the ear.) Ezra: Okay okay okay owowowowow! Bambi: I love happy endings. Mercury: Have fun getting expelled. Yorba: We have to help him. Mercury: Why should we- (Yorba grabs Mercury by the ear.) Mercury: Owieowieowie! (in Amber's office.) Amber: Bet you think you're pretty funny, assaulting a student like that. Ezra: Technically it was self-defense. Amber: Quiet! Mercury: Hah! You tell him- Amber: Same to you! Ezra: Look, I didn't hit her, I dodged her punches and she ran into the lockers. She did it to herself. Nixon: I could vouch for him. Britney: We were all there. Russel: He did some Mr. Fantastic type stuff, that's for sure. Ezra: Look, I don't want to cause any trouble. I apologize for whatever happened and I want to do better- Amber: Enough, I'll give you a warning. I want you to think about whether or not your education is worth jeopardizing. Ezra: I'll do better, don't you worry. Amber: See that you do. (the teens leave.) Amber: Managed to lay down the law well on my first day. This calls for a trip to the teachers lounge! (Amber goes to the teachers lounge and ventures toward a snack table.) Amber: Twice-baked buttery bread roll? Don't mind if I do. (Amber reaches for the bread roll but hits Edgar's hand.) Amber: I was here first. Edgar: I was just getting a wafer for my coffee. Amber: Oh. Edgar: I'd take it you'd fire me if I took one of those rolls? Amber: Why're you treating it like it's a bad thing? Edgar: Look, we don't agree on a lot of things, but there's one thing I do agree with you on. Amber: Yeah, what? Edgar: I'm glad I'm no longer your husband. Amber: What? Y-you have no right to say that. Edgar: You were an anchor, nothing more. Amber: Oh yeah? Have you forgotten- Edgar: What? Something minuscule that you want to embellish to try and make me look bad just so you could get some self-justification? Amber: I'm a good person. Edgar: Whenever it's convenient to you. I'm just waiting for you to quit when you have to work overtime. Amber: Oh look, embellishment! For shame! Edgar: You mean the same thing you used to get your boss arrested because he wanted you to push for overtime? Amber: I never said he killed anyone! Edgar: You never said he didn't! Amber: Whatever, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. Edgar: Sure, then I'll move on like everyone else, I could live without you snoring and spending three hours complaining about the latest episode of the Simpsons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to contemplate whether or not I'm going to pay your bills on the off chance you try to get the superintendent arrested. (Edgar leaves and Amber sticks her tongue out at him.) (back to the teens. They're in the bathroom, all but Artemis seated.) Artemis: Guys, after seeing Mercury's melodramatic reactions to Ezra, I had a startling epiphany, and I was forced to look to the tome. Second Eli, verse nine. Anyone who runs afoul without remaining in the good spirits of the Rogues does not have the trust of the rogues. Whoever remains with them has the gall and the audacity. If any of the Rogues come to another to bring their vile relationship into the mix, do not receive them or greet them. Whoever gives them the time of day and agrees without a second thought shares in their evil deeds. Artemis: This group was built on a foundation of alternative thinking, friendship gaming, rock music and the occasional monster truck show. We have forsaken the principal of friendship, by allowing Mercury to vehemently deny Ezra's attempt at reconciliation. Which is why I give you, Mercury, an ultimatum. If you are not willing to ease up on your contempt toward Ezra, you will no longer be welcome in our circle. Mercury: Hold it hold it, you can't throw me out unless you find a replacement first. Seth: We got two waiting in the wings. (Russel and Vange come in.) Mercury: You've got to be kidding me. Russel, y-you and Artemis hate each other! Russel: Hey, a little friendly internal conflict never hurt anybody. Mercury: And you... who are you? Vange: It's Vange, you know me. Mercury: I do? Vange: Yeah, we sit next to each other in biology class. Mercury: Oh, right, I've got to stop meeting my acquaintances like this. Artemis: You're right about that. If you don't straighten up, you better start promoting. Mercury: Artemis, please! It's just hard for me! Just give me some time to work out my inner demons! Nicole: Too bad that's not part of the creed. Right? Artemis: No, I was afraid of that. Plus we are obligated to help her. Nicole: Why do we even have a rule book? It's such a drag. Artemis: Because the last time we had no rules we had one of Ms. Chapley's kids in here. Russel: That was me actually. Artemis: Oh... right. Alright Mercury, if you could work up the courage to let Ezra back into your life, your spot will be saved. (Mercury hugs Artemis.) Mercury: Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou- (Denise grabs her by the ponytail.) Denise: Let's go, I'm going to hurl. (the teens exit the bathroom and come across a group of formally-dressed teens.) One: Pass. Ezra: Look, we were just using the bathroom on the way to- One: No pass, no good. Artemis: Mercury, now's your chance. Mercury: I was hoping for- (Mercury is pushed toward the group.) Mercury: Lay off my b-b-b-*gag*brother! (Mercury is punched in the face.) Mercury: Happy? Ezra: Who the heck are these people? Britney: The prefects. Doesn't matter how high you rank, they want you to suffer, while abiding to the rules of course. (The prefects throw garbage on them and proceed to dump it in the hallway before running off.) Nicole: We should leave- (Amber heads down the hall, seeing the trash and the teens.) Ezra: We swear we had nothing to do with this. Amber: Well who did then? Mercury: It was the prefects! One: We're clean. Absolutely clean. They're dirty. Absolutely dirty. Britney: Yeah because you threw trash on us you losers! Amber: Stop this right now, you're already down to two strikes. (Edgar walks in.) Edgar: What's going on here? Yorba: Slander and false accusations. Edgar: Let me know if Amber gets fired, I've been kicking back on bill payments. Nixon: Right on dad. Edgar: Or hey, if you run out of utilities- Amber: If you accept his invitation... Yorba: Well, I am running out of baggy pants. Amber: That's it! You're all expelled! (the teens walk away.) Anita: Aren't we going to keep fighting? Nicole: It's cliched, it's not worth giving that jerk any satisfaction. (The teens exit the building.) Nixon: I'm running low on baggy pants? Yorba: You try going through life when the only pants you have show off your ludicrous assets! Ezra: Let's look at the positives. Mercury: What positives? You dumb- Artemis: Ahem. Mercury: -foundedly optimistic... dude? Ezra: I haven't been in Belbury in years, and since we have some spare time we could hang out. Malcolm: Well, I do love early days. Britney: What do you guys have in mind? Nicole: We could run away from that pack of dogs. Artemis: What dogs- Oh why did it have to be dogs? (the teens run as the dogs chase them. They hop over a fence to lose them.) Ezra: Today isn't going so hot, is it? Nicole: Nope, welcome to Belbury. Britney: No problem. Since we're out we have plenty of time to go around town, eh what time is it... 10 AM!? Ezra: Let me guess, nothing's open yet? Seth: Not on school days. Artemis: I know where we could go, I need some advice anyways. (it cuts to Julie who's laying on the couch listening to music. Artemis' hat falls onto her.) Julie: Huh? How in the heck... (Julie looks up and is surprised to see the teens hanging from a ceiling beam.) All: Hey Jules. Julie: What're you all doin on the ceiling? Malcolm: Waiting for the end. Artemis: And what're you doing here? School's not over for you yet. Julie: I caught my teacher digging in the school records, she agreed to let me go home early so long as I didn't snitch. What about you guys? Artemis: We all got expelled for something we didn't do. Julie: Let me guess, your teacher is a moral-crazy hag who hates all of you? Yorba: First of all, he's my and Nixon's dad, second, it was the principal... who's my and Nixon's mom. Nicole: Basically we got expelled due to gross incompetence. Julie: Classic Amber. She used to be my math tutor. I actually did worse on my tests when she helped me, so believe me, I can sympathize. Not to mention, I've been expelled before, under different circumstances but still expelled. Artemis: That's why we're here. Since you're more experienced than us, surprisingly, maybe you could give us some tips? Julie: Well, who're you up against? Denise: The prefects. Julie: Beg pard? Melissa: Basically students who hold as much authority as the staff. Nixon: Corruption ensues. Mercury: They threw garbage in the hall and pinned it all on us. Britney: The sad thing is, they would've just ended it by throwing the garbage at us. Julie: Seems like there's more afoot than corruption. Anita: But what can we do, we're not as, hm, gifted as you. Julie: Well, I could round up my friends and we could help you out? Malcolm: Help from a bunch of munchkins? Oh mur-der! (Malcolm starts laughing. Julie rams her fist into the wall causing a vibration that knocks the teens down.) Malcolm: What're your demands...? Julie: Meet me and my friends at the abandoned park by the bridge at seven. Malcolm: Didn't they turn it into a nuclear test facility? Britney: No you're thinking of the wildlife preservation center. (the picture becomes fish-eyed as the perspective changes to the prefects.) One: They're conspiring my lord. Mind-Reaper: Let them, a little challenge will make their disposal all the sweeter. (back to Amber. Amber's looking at the clock.) Amber: Three... two... one. Finally! (Amber bursts through the door and runs for the exit, only to bump into Edgar.) Edgar: Hey, where're you going? Amber: Out. The day's over. Edgar: Yeah, for me and the students. Amber: Beg pard? Edgar: As a principal, your day doesn't end here. There's still much to be done. Amber: You're kidding me. Edgar: Nope. You're stuck here until you go over staff evaluations, inspect the school among other things listed here. (Edgar gives her a long list.) Edgar: Oh, and if you get lonely the janitor's looking for company. Janitor: Hi. (Amber looks to a janitor holding a bouquet of flowers) Edgar: Have fun. (Amber goes to her office and looks over some files.) Amber: To heck with this. (Amber takes out a comic book from a contraband drawer.) Amber: I could use some gamma rays right about now. (later, the teens meet Julie and her friends at the park) Julie: Glad you all could make it. I'm sure you know Victor, Corky, Bernadette, Jupiter, Emily, Sally, Zoe, Ashley, Fiona and, wait a minute, Becky? Selma? You're not part of our gang. Becky: Well since your group has members from The Halloween Kids and the Elites, and since we're part of both, it'd make sense.